Truth for Today

This falls into the truth category, my goal to recognize and sit with my feelings instead of running from them or pretending they are not there.

Today I am feeling a deep sadness that started after I dropped my kids at school. My younger son has been crying when I drop him off at school and today it really hit me. I sat in the parking lot for a bit before heading to work.

Once at work I realized yesterday would have been my granny's 100th birthday and tomorrow would be my dad's 71st. My granny died 6 months before my dad did and as sad as that made me I am glad she did not live through another child dying. She had already lost too much. I really, really miss my dad and wish my son's would have known him.

Not sure how long I will sit with these feelings but this is my truth for today

2018 Resolutions 3 Months In

I have been working on my resolutions for 3 months now.  In case you have not read that post or have forgot my resolutions while accomplishing yours they are:


For 2018 I am working on the following:
1.) Minimizing our possessions
2.) Spend more time present with friends and family
3.) Finish the backyard and spend a huge amount of time out there with the boys.
4.) Read the stack of books next to my bed
5.) Hike more
6.) Bike ride a lot with the boys now that I have a helmet.




Progress on #1 is going WAAAAAYYYYY slower than I hoped. We have passed on, traded and sold a lot of the larger items we wanted to get rid of. I have also made many trips to the thrift store with boxes of donations. There is still a ton of stuff that needs to get out of the house. This weekend I plan on dropping stuff at various charities and getting by the kids resale shop. This will still leave a large box of stuff I am working on trading and selling. I also have a lot of stuff still to go through and hopefully get rid of.  Lately I have to keep telling myself that it is a year long resolution and speed is not everything. It will get taken care of. 

Progress on #2 is going better. I no longer say no right off the bat when we are invited to do things. The stuff from #1 is going to be there when we get home so it will not hurt to go have fun with friends. 

Progress on #3 is just getting started since the weather is warming up. I spent several hours over the last couple of weekends working on clean up. The back yard is like the house and I somehow want it to magically come together in an instant but it just takes lots of labor initially. 

Progress on #4 is slow but I knew this one would be. I am on the last of the library books I kept checking out on a loop. I have been looking to see if some of the stack are available in audio form from the library as this will enable me to breeze through them faster. I have only moved one out of the stack thus far but I am optimistic that much progress will be made. 

Progress on #5 has not happened yet but I do have plans for tomorrow night which I hope work out. A state park within a short distance of us is doing a guided night hike tomorrow night. 

Progress on #6 is in progress. The boys have been riding more and Phillip has even gone out on the tandem with Clark but I have not got my bike out yet. 

 

Feelings

In my effort to be honest with myself and forgive myself this year I am going to document some of the feelings/thoughts I have that I usually hold against myself.

Earlier this week I went through the usual evening routine. I got off work, called Phillip to let him know I was on my way to pick up the boys and make sure he was on his way home and not on a late call. I then picked up the kids, chatted with the sitter and then headed home. Once home we unloaded the car and got the kids playing and then I went to start dinner. Even though I had made a meal plan and knew exactly what I was going to cook I just stood there staring at the stove. I just kept thinking that I do not want to do this, I am tired of planning and executing meals. I am tired of worrying about stuff getting done, tired of my time not being my own. I lived in these feelings for quite a while even while actually cooking the meal I did not want to make. It passed and I then have had to work on allowing myself to have these feelings of frustration. Once I recognize these thoughts and feelings I need to forgive myself for what I consider my short comings and move on.