My kids have an awesome dad in Phillip although it will be years before they truly appreciate this. Right now they are secure in a swath of love and care unaware of any other possibilities. I also grew up loved without realizing it until it was no longer there. Admittedly I was an adult and had been on my own for quite some time when my dad died. He also had been ill for some time and while it felt sudden it was not completely unexpected. Even with these things there was still a feeling of being unmoored. Suddenly this person who was supposed to be there when I needed to call and run interference with my mom was not there. My sisters and I just did not realize how much of a buffer my dad had become in our lives. When we wanted to do something he is the one we would actually ask first.
What hurts is the moments that come up out of nowhere when I miss him. I miss that my kids will have no granddads to go fishing with, to "help" fix things with, to just be another male figure in their lives.
Sunday was really hard not necessarily because it was father's day but because it also marked 11 years since the day we buried my dad. The day he died is not as real to me because I was not living in the state and his body was already at the funeral home by the time I drove down there. Sunday marked 11 years since I said goodbye to my dad physically and listened to the 21 gun salute as they folded the flag off his casket for my mom.
Randomly this was also the first year in probably 8 that Phillip and I did not go to lunch with the we no longer have our dad's club on father's day. The church has switched things up and decided to have a bunch. This group of friends going through the same things on father's day always "normalized" my situation.
Dad, I will always miss you and I really wish my kids could have met you. They would have loved having a granddaddy. I want you to know that I am ok, no matter what happens in my life I bounce back and keep going.
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